Customer Service | Lewis Black 3/7/18 Asheville NC


This I’m reading because it was just –
it’s just, uh, somebody who was coming here and said that I better read
it and you never know anymore. So her name is Judy. Next I would like to tell
you that your outfit’s customer helpline is outstanding. Even better than the
suicide hotline. Yeah that’s right. That’s fuckin right and no more than I would
expect from a man such as yourself by the way. However I have to take up with
you an issue about an item I purchased from your website recently which as a
card-carrying member of the F.U.C.K.U. Club (that’s my fan club) I can I can say
it’s also superior. The issue involved the Lewis Black Nervous Pills container
which I received in the mail just as I was leaving town, Chapel Hill by the way,
on a four-day road trip. I was very excited to be carrying with me on my
journey away from home even though it contained no pills. I felt my anxiety
slip away just knowing that it was with me. The problem arose when I was laying
on the bed in my hotel room and tried to open the little container. I could not
get it open Lew. I tried, I really did, but the fucking thing would not open. I began
to have dark thoughts about you and your merchandise.
I tried harder my fingers began to hurt. I started feeling warm like a hot flash
which was the first sign that I’m about to have a full-blown anxiety attack. I
was in a strange motel in a strange town far from home with an empty pill
container that I could not open! I was fucked! I began to curse you and your
fucking Nervous Pills container. I was about to call 9-1-1 when I
remembered your customer helpline. I found the number and my call was promptly
answered by unbefuckinglievable an actual human being. I said I need help.
How do you fuckin open this pill container? The very nice person on the
other end said you just squeeze and turn. I put my phone on speaker and did what
she said. Still nothing. Why doesn’t this thing come with the user’s manual, I
shouted at her even though I knew it wasn’t her fault. I was starting to think
I might need to phone my psychiatrist for an emergency phone session at twice his
usual fee when all of a sudden the lid to the container opened. I got it! I
screamed into the phone. it’s open! Sweaty and short of breath, I thanked her for
her help, said goodbye and immediately began to feel an unbelievable sense of
calmness and tranquility washing over me. And all I had done was simply figure out
how to open the fucking container. I hadn’t taken any pills. I hadn’t called
9-1-1. I hadn’t called my psychiatrist for an emergency session at twice his normal
fee. The little black pill container had, as if by magic, ended my anxiety attack
merely by allowing me to open it. The fact it was the container itself that
had triggered the attack no longer mattered. I was at peace since that day. I carry
the Lewis Black Nervous Pills container with me everywhere and I no longer
suffer from anxiety because I know that all I have to do at the first sign of
an attack is to simply open the little box and all will be well. Thank You Lew, for saving me from having
to make a costly call to 911 or my psychiatrist for an emergency session at his normal fee. P.S. Please put instructions in the box when you ship
this fucking thing out to people! Your friend forever, Judy.

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78 Responses

  1. New Message says:

    Can't find the container on his site now, though..

  2. theblackcross115 says:

    You look like a force ghost from Star Wars with that lighting

  3. cskibb67 says:

    Mr Black…..your funny as fuck!!     Long time viewer of your stuff!!!      Youngstown  Oh

  4. Aathmastralis says:

    Lewis Black and Bill Burr, my two all time favorites!

  5. Daniel Smith says:

    Oh my god, I was laughing so hard all throughout this story. Thanks Judy!

  6. Scott Mckenzie says:

    Ashevegas? How did I miss this? My favorite comedian in my least favorite hometown.

  7. Craig Alexander says:

    I have the same problem I cannot open childproof containers, took me 2 days and 3 anxiety attacks to open pills for acid reflux.

  8. guillermo mejia says:

    OMG!!!! THAT WAS NUTS!!!

  9. Josh Russell says:

    Was he crying? lol

  10. Pot Dragon says:

    Hopefully, I am never senile enough to appear in public with a jacket off the rack.🙄

    He looks like an imbicle who shopped at "Today's Man'.🖕

  11. Kristen Rdesinski says:

    Lou, thx for sharing, Judy, thx for writing the letter…I think Lou enjoyed it more than the rest of us!

  12. BFDT says:

    Sweet…!!!! 😀 😀 😀

  13. tremer 2009 says:

    Thanks Lewis Black.☺ "I was about to call 911 when I remembered your customer helpline."😂

  14. absentmindedprof says:

    I think I need 4 or 5 of those containers.

  15. Dusty Plasma says:

    Ironic, sardonic, and sarcastic expressed in one breath. Thanks !

  16. RadicalRalph Russo says:

    Thank you Judy and Lewis ,That Rocked my world so much I will look into getting one of these Lewis Black nervous pill containers.Maybe stuff it with some of gods great herb..!TY73s

  17. Michael Jensen says:

    My wife and I are going to see him in DC in May. Looking forward to a night out.

  18. Sandra Nelson says:

    Judy!!! My sistah! Oh, I wish more phone people were like Lewis's phone people.

  19. Dale Blake says:

    Back in the 80's my Aunt Ruby in North Carolina had a bottle of aspirin that she had opened with a butcher knife. It was really easy for her to access them after that.

  20. Sheldon Kitzul says:

    Real as fuck. Lewis, I love you.

  21. Lewis Doherty says:

    Your call has been transferred to a call center in a place where labor is cheap, English is not the staff's first language and the dialect of English they do speak is not yours. Even though the conversations take three times as long and many customers leave frustrated, the math still works to keep the call centers there.

  22. David Kempton says:

    That is a great story. Placebo Schmacebo, the talisman always tallses, man… (tallis: vb; to act as a talisman WTF do you expect…)

  23. jonnybgoode007 says:

    Thanks. I always get great laughs from Lewis Black.

  24. clumsiii says:

    damn! judy's got your number alright..her words through your diction sounded so like you…wait a fucking minute! CANCEL MY ORDER

  25. JC Ouellet says:

    in case some one does read this… "enquiring minds: is a shit hole country measured by it's debt?"

  26. Dr. TJ says:

    Lewis, you've got to hire Judy as a writer. She's fucking hilarious.

  27. KingAlpaca says:

    Merica

  28. Explore Greer says:

    You look successful in doing what you do best. Keep the truth alive. Idiots will soon find out the lie, and many distractions can no longer be effective. South Korea needs the asswholes read. May not be swift, but it's coming.

  29. Cheryl Butler says:

    How do I join the f.U.C.K.U. club?

  30. Dead Freight West says:

    Lewis need form no more than two to three syllables and I'm laughing!

  31. Tara Gragg says:

    😁

  32. Annie says:

    Priceless. When are you coming to Oz? We need you here! The govt has in their f… wisdom created a natl monopoly to build the "National Broadband Network" NBN, we just call it "No Bl**dy Network" and want our $29 billion back (not kidding). Thanks

  33. ursaltydog says:

    Now that's some funny shit right thar..

  34. Jeff S says:

    I think Judy can have a new career as a joke writer!

  35. TMGLost says:

    That was fucking beeyooteefull 😘

  36. Richard C says:

    I tried to find this funny … but I couldn't get it opened. If the audience wasn't laughing, I wouldn't have been sure that this was an attempt at humor.

  37. Raymond Anderson says:

    Put the instructions IN the container. It ships better that way.

  38. Eliphas Leary says:

    That's a great idea. Put the instructions IN the fucking box. Nobody will be pissed off about THAT.

  39. Philip Lewis says:

    #Judy

  40. Richard Owen says:

    FE legalize the bud.

  41. mary busch says:

    made my day!!!  gotta love Lewis for his comedy.    Just as funny as Mark Twain!!!

  42. scott mcfadyen says:

    The placebo effect in full effect. Thanks Lou !

  43. Jon dow says:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF7dbXuGTJY

  44. Cindy Barnes says:

    I'm sorry Lewis. My family has a history of heart disease you know fibrilation, blood thinners, weak pulse and all of that. I am very sorry for not staying the distance. One one side of the coin I feel I betrayed you. On the other side of the coin if I did not act then I could not be around to see you perform. It came down to that sort of thing.
    Let me tell you a little something based on a few true stories from my dad and a book. First there was a short video from the past that had photos from the heart which had your name in the search. That is Home page work and helps memory in a seared heart not to mention the memory of those who did not have the experience to remember yet. You get out of the way old man wow my dad would have had a thing or two to say if I had said that but with heart disease it would be hypocracy to call Mr Black a Pot head. My dad would have told me if I had said it that the Gold at the end of the rainbow you have to sometimes make yourself but sometimes your heart can get down and maybe you like myself have not figured out how to do the bootstrap magicians trick but you have the gift of anger with an unseared heart so let me tell you with a clear and a shock a hint how to release the evil in the art of fighting without fighting so you will not go out to pasture by the forrest where the falling trees are not heard while you had so much invested in attention. Heal our blind hearts Lewis with the Minnisota Fatts technique of pissed. Show us your boot strap Lewis. Pull out your spinach Lewis. Wabbit Season, Duck Season, Get Me out of here Season, Leave us behind with a Beep Beep heart. Show us the other side where Underdog is here Lewis Show us when you are knocked down Lewis it was just to show how you can get up Lewis. Hey Jude dont let me down. I'm knocked up please help me bust a gut Come on lewis go back into the ring as a rootin tootin mean and ornery tasmanian and spin it the way it was meant to be Lewis. Come on you Coyotee in sheeps clothing you can do it all night long if you want. Get some Respect Lewis give us the Rod lewis. Drop you Red Skeleton act Lewis and show them where a good heart comes from. "They" said Lewis was Lewis Blonde in a leak are you going out to pasture and getting out of the responsibiliy of the wisdom of the years. Can you hear those voices lewis? No nambi bambi out of lewis hell no! Old times we are not going to be porked by being outdone by those punks are we lewis. You were older then you are younger than that now. You may have snow on the rooftop but let out the fire in your furnace lewis. Guardian song said Run Me in The Dirt. Thats fight lewis. take a sad song and make it better lewis. It was leaked that you dont give one $#::;'[email protected]# about the Superbowl. That is like comedic lays. You can't eat just one oh boy lewis you gave us one whole thing whose side are you on lewis that's so unamerican. Restart you timex lewis. Where is your energizer bunny lewis. Twistle Twastle Twusil Twone Lewis. Wake up Lewis people out there need you. Pout Pout Pout Lewis. Where's the Beast Lewis? Are you going to give us the Black Flag and change your name to Lewis White. Get some spirit lewis. What my daddy would have said is you can do that or you can sit in your room and meditate on your naval "yeba diba di That's all Folks !" Artistic License "my daddy says" so sayeth the gump.
    Lewis Black sits in a restaurant praying for a joke. Well his prostrate gets the best of him so he takes his note and folds it up in his left. He heads into the restroom and is standing at the urinal. Then with the thunder and rain and earthquakes and volcanoes Reads the writing on the wall. It said that person is one of mine (artistic license invoked) so what are you looking up here for the joke is in your hand. Then George Burns ask Morgan Freeman to tell you to Carrey your own weight by your bootstraps and come out Beasty Boy. Be an American Lewis your flag pole does not have a lot of years left. A Lewis home for the elerly. Thats All Folks. It's on! do it Lewis before my nose gets any bigger. The science of Geicology Lewis even a cave man can do it.

  45. Karen Nord says:

    Omg…we are coming to your show in Springfield,MO….I really need that magic pill box….hope you have them for sale at the show!!! My anxiety is over whelming with the new guy in office and really hope that you and John decide to run in 2020!!!!!!

  46. Cindy Barnes says:

    Lewis I wanted to know the answer to two questions before I died. One was who screwed up my life and reputation the other was where did the healing kindness from the Daily Show people including yourself plus steven colbert. A 1997 video of Jon Stewart I identifies by information compartmentalization to have radiated from Comey's Problematic Priest who came to myself with another claiming vaguely exspy status. The handling of that I believe caused our present governmental problems to this day. It was misinformation by the time it got to Jon Stewart or he would not have been able to joke in the speech.

  47. Cindy Barnes says:

    That previous issue is dead to me unpushed now that I have that answer. On watching some videos I found you were associating with some agency whose purpose was to help people. I see that that training must have been where the mostly healing kindness came from now. Most of you were if I am using the word correctly were immaculate in a way not hurting feelings on the satire news shows. Simultaneously it appeared on one political side group either a clearance background from hell occurred else there was intent to do some sort of hyjack of my inferences leading to unbelievably hurtful manipulations of myself else some sort of political jelousy of the other political side benefiting at their expense. ktrh was the source point of that problematic wave for what ever reason. I would have sustained till I dropped even with hurt feelings by the metaphores in the jokes because the population was benefiting by all of your humors although to a lesser degree than myself. The all of you associated with the satire news at CC caused a large part of mental emotional within my intimacy circle which I between myself and our creator whether and of you believe in that creator or not. Because of your integral actions I'm potentiated for the rest of much healing. Mr Arnold taught us to give credit where credit is due. You all accomplished where professionals entirely failed. I think it is reasonable for a declaration of a miracle from all of you but declared or not before I stepped away there is something to say so imagine this coming out your speakers up close. THANK YOU VERY MUCH 🙂
    I am very sorry if my april 1 post to Jon Olivar was a problem for you. It was meant to say THANK YOU. I guess I missed the mark. I'm sorry.
    Good luck with your careers.

  48. Rob Jewell says:

    This is so sincere!

  49. edward lubin says:

    PERFICK!!!

  50. Judy Via says:

    Lew, You did a better job reading this than even I myself could have done! And i wrote the fucking thing! And…Even more fun than writing it (and it WAS a lot of fun), was seeing the kick you got out of reading it to your audience. I made Lewis Black laugh; I can die a happy woman. Thank you, Lew! Your friend forever, Judy (Chapel Hill, NC)

  51. Liz says:

    Goddamn hilarious

  52. liftshaulscooks says:

    Best letter ever!

  53. G G says:

    I can't stop laughing like mad! Brilliant.

  54. d G says:

    And again stick to knock knock jokes fuck face

  55. Bill Heuber says:

    That was one of the funniest routines I have ever seen! I actually laughed so hard tears were squirting out of my eyes!! WOW!!

  56. Johnny oneye says:

    Lewis is selling the "placebo effect"
    Apparently it's less toxic than most over the counters pills!
    It's FDA approved

  57. Arnold Davis says:

    Funny fucn jew

  58. Mike Ruggles says:

    Fuck yeah!

  59. Josh Guyette says:

    I love this. 🙂

  60. Carolina Blue says:

    I’d bet the house Mr Black would be a great American President. Would be a hell of a lot better than the wig wearing jerk we have in there now.

  61. nmeunier says:

    I've seen on American TV news that kids have lost the skill of peeling an orange. Seriously, what's this world coming to?

  62. mreid08 says:

    Son of a bitch!!! I live in Asheville how the hell did I miss this?????

  63. pmccachren says:

    Hang in there JUDY! LOL

  64. Axel Werner says:

    @Judy , I love you! 😂 Thanks for sharing your experience.

  65. shamanranger Green says:

    The sum up of humanity, " why doesn't this thing come with am owners manual." To open a box…. an empty, useless box………

  66. ed low says:

    Too funny.

  67. Bryson Clan says:

    My husband had the same problem until I showed him how to open it. Now how do I get my Lewis Black coffee container to actually contain coffee?

  68. deborah bell says:

    He's trying so hard to keep from falling to the floor laughing

  69. Rose Marie Holt says:

    Imma put a few Xanax in mine tho

  70. Richard Lopez says:

    I look forward to the day, said the Zodiac killer, when the Hippocratic Oath is taken with the seriousness of two potheads trying to get their life together and write new jokes.

  71. A Jumpy Jones says:

    Truth is quite often strange than fiction.

  72. Tony A says:

    God, this stuff is funny

  73. Debbie Harshbarger says:

    I use to love watching him on stage when it was all about. "his" thoughts, his rant & raves. Lately it's been all about what he reads off his IPad. Not his thoughts, done watching.

  74. Carolina Blue says:

    To join the f.u.c.k. Club you have to fuck off.

  75. ART MCPHARLIN says:

    stupid stupid stupid so 48% of Americans will enjoy this.

  76. Terry H says:

    lew your humor is going downhill… u used to be cutting edge and very funny, now all you do is read some assholes letters to you on an ipad…

  77. Kathy Murray says:

    This us so true! Packaging is ridiculous! Especially, the older I become! Hands don’t work very well! I thought, um, uh, Clinton’s V.P. I think..Oh, Dan Quayle Quail! Having a senior moment!

  78. G G says:

    This is a riot.

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